Your life is not mine...

My girlfriend lives nearly an hour east from where I am at and my family (most of them) live an hour south of me. Now, this all seems like it would be convenient and easy to get around and see them all, right? I mean, after all it's Texas. You always drive around like mad and when you say how far away something is, you always say how many hours away it is, not how many miles. Well... I have two jobs, a full time, 8-5 job as well as an evening  and occasional weekend part time job. I am also part of the marketing committee for HRC, do my best to go to church on Sundays, hang out with my friends once a week after work and of course, drive over and see E as much as I can. I think it's safe to say... my life is pretty busy.


I have always been this way, just the older I get, the busier I get and the more organized my life has to be. And now that I am in a serious relationship and my schedule has doubled as we both try to be involved and supportive of each other in as much as possible.
I feel like I am a good daughter, sister, Aunt and granddaughter. I work hard to find and make time for my family. I like to think that I show them all love, acceptance and support in everything and that they all know that I am always there for them, in anything and everything. And I like to think they feel the same way about me. But one thing I do know, is that my life; being unmarried with a college degree, no kids, having an apartment on my own, filing for taxes on my own, having close friends and a career that I am passionate about, is something that my family cannot relate too. All three of my sisters were married before they were 23, one was 17. Of course they all have incredible passions, their lives are so full and so beautiful on such a different level than mine. I never, ever want to discredit their lives and their choices and make them all think that mine is somehow greater than theirs, because that simply is not true. We are all on just two different levels, two different plains in life.

E and I after one of her art
installation pieces

In this craziness that is my life, I cherish those sweet moments where E and I can go out together. A calm, romantic dinner out, an afternoon walk, with no time where we have to be back to go to a meeting or an appointment. We are both so blessed to see each other so much, yet it never seems to be enough. I think this is what people call being in love. As E and I are in this beautiful romance, it's hard for us to be recognized as being in a relationship by my family. I believe one of my sisters actually believes in it and in us, but there is still hope and prayers going around that are against us. That we will not be together much longer, that this is just a 'fling', that this is just a way that I am distracting myself from not facing my fall-out from being close to God. To know, honest to goodness know that the thing, the one person, that is making you the happiest in life is not only not approved of, but cannot be spoken about, her name cannot be mentioned or acknowledged, is one of the most painful things I have ever felt.

For nearly five years I willingly lied to my family. I knew that I was a lesbian, but I was so terrified to let them know. That night when I finally told them, even though it was the hardest and most challenging thing of my life, I could literally feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. What I didn't know, was that a brand new form of lying would become at play. More like withholding the truth than lying. When I tell them I am going to Dallas for the weekend instead of going to dinner at my Mothers, there is always a need to justify my actions. There is never the truth such as a "my girlfriend has an art piece that is receiving an award and I am going to support her", there is always "I have already made plans with friends that I can't miss." Things that excite me and make me proud as E and her work, things that I know if I were in a relationship for this long and this seriously with a man and he had achieved this award or were presenting a piece, that there would be questions from my family either what the piece were about or how long did it take to prepare it or even the possibility of them showing up to support him. Because what is important to ones spouse is important to me. I have seen them support and encourage my sisters boyfriends and now husbands. It hurts to not have that interest in my life, solely because the gender of who I care about is not whom they approve. 

These are things that I know will take time and I am working on my patience on that, I am working ever so hard. There are many instances where I could point to, where I could give examples of when I had to keep things vague to make sure that I didn't say E's name. (They all know that we are dating and they do know her name) I do this because to them, when I choose her over them, they make me feel like I am choosing sin and distractions over a god-fearing, good influence of a family.  The guilt and the pain that comes from them is oftentimes unbearable. When there is an invite to a family dinner with my favorite Aunt who loves and supports me fully, from Colorado (who has met E and adores her!), it kills me because all I want is to invite E to the dinner, but I know I can't. There are so many little things that hurt harder and sting stronger than I ever thought would. Moments when I remember years and years ago when I dated a guy for about two weeks and my parents invited him to join us for a family birthday party to the same restaurant... yet, E and I are moving our own plans so that I can go to this family dinner, without her. Someone who is so incredibly important to me, that is not allowed, is not invited, is not thought of as being a genuine part of my life, simply kills me.

Once again, my life is so different from their in so many ways. I am a 30 year old professional, financially independent woman in the deep South, who lives and thrives in the big city, is a creative and who is also a member of the LGBT community. I will do what I believe I do best, which is carry on. Remain strong and courageous and stay true to myself. I will continue to love people in the way that I was brought up to do, with acceptance, humility and no judgment. I will do what I can to be the better person. To strive to remain humble and to work on being more open and clear on things. If this life isn't mine, than whose is it? 

I will carry on loving and supporting my family as well as loving and supporting my girlfriend. I will not go back. I know that what my family say, they say is spoken with love and to "protect" their family... how is this protecting? How does keeping me away from my nieces and nephews, not letting me express and show how happy and fully me I am, forcing me lie openly to the family because they are so scared of what I could be to their way of life. I have no idea what fear they speak of. For if my nieces and nephews were to be introduced to the real world, than I believe, a family member who is sensitive, honest, open, God-fearing and just who happens to be a lesbian would be a perfect way for them to realize that the real world is not a scary place, but a place of love and acceptance. Where you can be true to be yourself, where you let God be the judge and not man, where you have an open mind and an open heart. No matter if I be kept away from my family, I will always do what I can to be an example of love and encouragement to them. 

"This above all. To thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare 

When to Say No

My sisters, my Mother and myself saying
a prayer before my baby sisters wedding.

I've come to realize that I am not a very patient person. I always thought that I was, but over the past two years, I have come to realize that perhaps I am horrible at being patient. I can sit for hours by a lake, with a fishing rod in hand, I can wait for days knowing the first spring rain is on its way to quench the dry Texas ground, I can wait for months knowing my best friend and his fiance will be down to visit me from Seattle... but I cannot wait any longer for my family to realize that nothing on or in this world, made me a lesbian. 

I can no longer listen to my parents and grandmother say that me going off to a State University made me gay, that the bullying I went through in middle school is the reason for my "same sex attraction", I no longer have the patience in constantly telling my Mom and Dad that they didn't do anything to make me the way that I am. I no longer have the patience in trying to convince my family that I am still the same decent, god-fearing, family centered, healthy, generous, loving and independent woman. 

When I came out to my close friends over five years ago, I had never felt more free and genuine in my entire life. I lived three years, in-hiding to my family because I knew exactly what they would think. I knew that they would think it was their fault, that I would somehow be a dangerous influence to my nieces and nephews and that I was willingly living in sin. That Satan had captured me and had his evil hooks in me. "the face of the enemy, he comes to steal, kill and destroy. He is so real and he is the roaring lion of the scriptures. What I am trying to convey is that I have such anger where Satan is so active, you are so precious to me..." It burns and tears my heart hearing the loss and sorrow and darkness that is felt towards me from someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally (of which they said two messages prior). I want to reply back "I'm not a whore! I don't do crack! What's your problem with me?!" 

I'm tired of waiting on my family. My patience in them is gone. Nothing I can do or say sinks in. They have voluntarily chose to set up a battle against me. Let God be the judge. We are called to love, love as Christ has loved us. 

How much longer can my heart and my mind stand up against them? How much longer can I listen to these words of guilt and blame and disgust before I start hating myself again? I will not go back into that depression that I finally escaped from. I will not go back to living a lie so that my parents can not "suffer". They say this is killing them, that this is the hardest thing that they never thought they'd have to face... but what about me? What about knowing that your Mother walks on eggshells around you? What about knowing that your Mother is terrified of asking how you are doing because you might talk about your girlfriend? What about knowing that your father won't make eye contact with you? What about knowing that when your grandmother calls you'll only get preached out, fire and brimstone? How much can you take? How much should you allow yourself to take before you push back? How can you show that it is killing you on the inside, their words and actions, without them saying that that is the Lord telling me that I am sinning? How much? How much patience? 

As I am constantly struggling, I have to remember that I am loved. I know they love me. I know my girlfriend loves me. I have friends and other family members that love me. I am not alone in anything. I much have patience, if not for them, then for myself. I must continue to be strong and courageous. 

"through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5: 2-4

The Silverlining to the Storm

Two years ago, when I came out to my family, one of my sisters told me that I would have "to choose between her kids or my lifestyle". My Father, who had recently recovered from two strokes, told me that "I just killed him." As I sat on the couch with both my parents weeping beside me, as my parents prayed to cast demons out of me, said they would be moving me back from my then home in Colorado that next day to living with them and that they would send me to a place in Austin that does "conversion therapy". I sat in total shock and fear. I wanted to take everything I had just said back. I wanted to put my sexuality back in the closet. I wanted to pretend like it never happened, but it had happened and I had been living in hiding from them for my entire life.

When I look back, from conversations over the past two years where I heard things from immediate family members that I was "voluntarily damning myself to hell", that they "would always call it a 'choice' because that's what it is", that they would set "nonnegotiables" rules that I had to follow when I was in their home that showed no display of my homosexuality, that "the only thing that would be worse were if I were dead" and other painful, hurtful things that have never been apologized for, and still sting and burn like a hot iron in my mind and my heart, after two years, it looks like just perhaps my bravery and freedom in being myself, has finally opened up to an sliver of light.

As my birthday comes up next week, my girlfriend E and I are going to Colorado for a long weekend away, my coworkers are taking me to a birthday lunch and happy hour and my three sisters... are taking me out to dinner and have invited me to bring E with me. Two years ago, one sister gave me an ultimatum, my identity in being an openly gay woman, or a relationship with her and her gorgeous children, my nieces and nephews that I am absolutely bats about. Two years ago, one sister told me that she would never agree with me, because the Bible says it is wrong and it will always be a choice for me. That word 'choice' weighs heavy on me and is filled with judgment, and a constant state that I am willfully sinning and that whomever says it, knows they are in the right and are above me. Two years ago, one sister told me that I should have kept it to myself, that I should have not told anyone because that I was the sole reason the family would be torn apart. These three sisters, who didn't understand and never gave me a chance, are now, two years later, voluntarily meeting the woman that I am so in love with.

There are always moments in our lives when we truly feel lucky. When we feel blessed and that good fortune and fate are finally in our way. In the depth of darkness, it's hard to look for the silver lining. All you see are heavy, ominous storm clouds that constantly beat you down. There are so many times when I was done, when I wanted to just call it quits entirely with my family and I thank God that I did not. My family will forever be bound to me, whether for better or worse. What I have come to find is that in those dark, dense moments when thunder crashes and the winds are blowing and howling all around you, that you have to keep going, keep breathing, keep believing, because there is a silver lining. There is a sliver of light that will show just as the storm is about to break and believe me, that storm will break. Perhaps that storm might return and might be just as strong as before or come back with a vengeance, but one thing I know for certain, is just like before, that storm will break. There will come a time where you can breathe freely and stand strong in the sun. Be thankful for every moment my friends. Be proud of who you are. Do not waste another moment hiding who you are, because another moment wasted, is a moment lost. Be strong and courageous my friends.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6