Overcoming My Own Prejudice

Never in my life have I felt like I have personally experienced a prejudice or bias. Growing up in a small town in Texas, it was most certainly not something that I was unaware of, it just never had happened to me personally. Being a white woman, from a middle class blue collar family, there were things that I missed in life. I remember eating a cheese sandwiches for lunch for years. A "bend-er-back"(one slice of bread folded in half) as my Mother called them, one slice of singles cheese and a squirt of off-brand watery mustard for lunch for years. Cramming a family of six into a one room duplex for nine months because we had been kicked out of our home... these things I was not aware of as a child until I looked back on them as an adult. But like many families in small towns, this was not out of the ordinary.

When I came out to myself and eventually my friends and eventually to my family, I was not worried about prejudice to myself for being Queer. That was the least thing on my mind. I know that when I walk down the street, no one sees a lesbian, they see a white woman... until I am walking down that same street with the woman that I love. 

Only a few days ago, while I was out with my girlfriend, E, spending a splendid fall Sunday together, was I, were we, verbally attacked for being two women in love. We were sitting in her truck in traffic, my hand resting on her back as she looked over at me and we gave each other a slight kiss. The windows partially rolled down as we took in the cool breeze of a Texas fall and took in the comfort that we find in each other, when the word "Faggots!" yelled outside our window. A man, in his car, turned back towards the road and moved up in the traffic lane beside us. I looked around to see if there was someone on the opposite side of us or perhaps a car with the blue and yellow Human Rights Campaign sticker on it, but there wasn't anyone or anything. "Was he talking to us?" I inquired to E. She nodded her head like it wasn't a big deal, E has been out for twenty years. She has been verbally, emotionally and physically attacked more than once for who she is and she is even stronger, braver and more passionate for it. It's not like it didn't impact her in her own way, but me on the other hand, having only been living openly for two years and that being the 2010's, when so much progress had been made, was so unaware that issues like this were still happening. E had fought the fight in the early 90's, she had been one of the many, many incredible men and women who pushed and loved all throughout the 80's and 90's to where we are today. 

This man, whomever he was, made no impact on me with his words. I have been verbally assaulted by friends and family, people that I do care about, so one spouting of a hateful man means nothing. It was when I was going back and looking at this when it really hit me. I am outnumbered in what I believe. I am an outsider. E and I aren't always surrounded by people that accept us. When I went to the State Fair with E, only a short time ago, we were holding hands and being affectionate, but I had asked her that we wouldn't kiss while we were there. It wasn't for fear of any backlash or words being thrown at me, but in my mind, I wanted to be respectful of the families that were there and their beliefs. I didn't want to be apart of the "Oh my lord, there were two lesbians at the fair kissing and spreading their lesbianism..." stereotypes that go around... but this thought, this idea that I was protecting them from me... this is a thought that has been SO instilled in me by my family, by my friends, by my culture that I was missing being the hope and the strength for kids or even adults who were still in the closet. Growing up, I was so unaware that there was even another option for me. For years I assumed there was something mentally wrong with me because I was not attracted to men. I never saw LGBT people out in public, holding hands, being affectionate, being in love. 

E and I are both very blessed that we have an incredible group of friends and honorary family members that love us both dearly for exactly who we are. We surround ourselves with places, locations, people who don't see gender, race or sexuality, but that is such a small world in the grand scheme of things. I am strong and courageous, but I cannot be strong and courageous in only certain places and situations. Being at a dive bar is easy to find courage when your LGBT, but being out in such a visual place like places such as the State Fair, that is where I fail myself and the courage I so believe myself to have. If E were a man, I know that I would never hesitate for a moment being affectionate in public, but, as she is not, I do. That fear and thought of protection of others builds anxiety inside me. I want to be that light, that hope, that one person that others can see that will give them courage and strength. 

Prejudice is very real. We can shield ourselves and our loved ones from it for a time, but we can never protect them or guard them entirely. You must have a group of friends, family, someone, even if it's just one person, you must have someone that you can be yourself around, but in those moments when you are away from them, when you are surrounded by people who hate and despise you, you must always remain strong and courageous. Be proud of who you are. You are beautiful exactly as you are. 

Reconciling Pain

When you grow up around people whom you love and adore, family, friends, leaders in both the Church and your school, who say that they love and support you no matter what and than... they hear it through the grapevine that you are Queer... hypocrisy and pride shows its evil grasp. I know that these family and friends do love and adore me, yet, the simple fact that whom I choose to love does not match what they would want that is best for me, and yes, I do believe that they still want the best for me, simply stuns me. Mostly because I personally feel, believe and know that today, I am my best self. This is whom I know in my heart and soul that God created.  

Hearing phrases like “lesbians and yahoos”, “the fags are responsible”, “the gay agenda”, “the sick minded homos” and so many more from family members, all who say and whom I know do love the church and the Bible and are very incredible and god-fearing people… made my heart break. Every time I found the courage to say something to my family, a remark was said. Every time I had pumped myself up to speak, something secretly hurtful would hit me on the inside. I felt like I was constantly being buried by my family.

By the time I was 25 and knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I was a lesbian, it was in little passing interactions like these that I remembered my family saying that scared me senseless.  

Coming out to my closest friends when I was 25 was easy… it was living a secret life for two years because I was terrified about what my family would say, think or do that was the most challenging thing. That night when I did tell my folks, was by far the most terrifying thing that I have ever done, but there comes a time when you cannot hold it back. When it does start to eat at you from the inside you must remember this “Be strong and courageous” and time. Give it time. Give them time. Be patient. Be honest. Be open. Be forgiving. Be the better person. Be easy on yourself. Surround yourselves with those that love and support you. Join a support group. Find a therapist that understands the importance of your sexuality and faith. (I recommend www.thechristiancloset.com).

I have come to find out that what most of my family says to me in regards to my sexuality is spoken out of fear. Fear and the ignorance of the unknown. When my mother tells me that “the only thing worse is if I were dead” I know, because I know my Mother, that she couldn’t really mean that. Don’t expect apologies. Another thing that I have come to realize is that I cannot expect an apology from my family or friends who do say painful things. Call them out on it, yet you do not have control over what they say or think. But always try to talk to your family even if they won’t listen.

You are in control of your own life. Be strong and courageous.

I cannot tell you how many times people who are important to me have said things that kill me on the inside and eat away at a very powerful emotional level. Saying things that “I will have to choose between my lifestyle or their family” and then end that sentence with “I love you no matter what”, these are the moments when all I can think of is the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf and actions speak louder than words. Even after nearly two years of being out to my family, there are still topics that we have not discussed. It will need time. They will need time.

I am sure, confident and proud of who I am as a gay woman, but to them, I am a stranger. Be strong and courageous. Give them time. Be easy on yourself and your heart. God is love. He is love. You are loved.