Reconciling Pain

When you grow up around people whom you love and adore, family, friends, leaders in both the Church and your school, who say that they love and support you no matter what and than... they hear it through the grapevine that you are Queer... hypocrisy and pride shows its evil grasp. I know that these family and friends do love and adore me, yet, the simple fact that whom I choose to love does not match what they would want that is best for me, and yes, I do believe that they still want the best for me, simply stuns me. Mostly because I personally feel, believe and know that today, I am my best self. This is whom I know in my heart and soul that God created.  

Hearing phrases like “lesbians and yahoos”, “the fags are responsible”, “the gay agenda”, “the sick minded homos” and so many more from family members, all who say and whom I know do love the church and the Bible and are very incredible and god-fearing people… made my heart break. Every time I found the courage to say something to my family, a remark was said. Every time I had pumped myself up to speak, something secretly hurtful would hit me on the inside. I felt like I was constantly being buried by my family.

By the time I was 25 and knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I was a lesbian, it was in little passing interactions like these that I remembered my family saying that scared me senseless.  

Coming out to my closest friends when I was 25 was easy… it was living a secret life for two years because I was terrified about what my family would say, think or do that was the most challenging thing. That night when I did tell my folks, was by far the most terrifying thing that I have ever done, but there comes a time when you cannot hold it back. When it does start to eat at you from the inside you must remember this “Be strong and courageous” and time. Give it time. Give them time. Be patient. Be honest. Be open. Be forgiving. Be the better person. Be easy on yourself. Surround yourselves with those that love and support you. Join a support group. Find a therapist that understands the importance of your sexuality and faith. (I recommend www.thechristiancloset.com).

I have come to find out that what most of my family says to me in regards to my sexuality is spoken out of fear. Fear and the ignorance of the unknown. When my mother tells me that “the only thing worse is if I were dead” I know, because I know my Mother, that she couldn’t really mean that. Don’t expect apologies. Another thing that I have come to realize is that I cannot expect an apology from my family or friends who do say painful things. Call them out on it, yet you do not have control over what they say or think. But always try to talk to your family even if they won’t listen.

You are in control of your own life. Be strong and courageous.

I cannot tell you how many times people who are important to me have said things that kill me on the inside and eat away at a very powerful emotional level. Saying things that “I will have to choose between my lifestyle or their family” and then end that sentence with “I love you no matter what”, these are the moments when all I can think of is the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf and actions speak louder than words. Even after nearly two years of being out to my family, there are still topics that we have not discussed. It will need time. They will need time.

I am sure, confident and proud of who I am as a gay woman, but to them, I am a stranger. Be strong and courageous. Give them time. Be easy on yourself and your heart. God is love. He is love. You are loved.