Allowing Myself the Freedom of Being Queer

"I can't change even if I tried, even if I wanted to..." The lyrics of Mary Lambert's song She Keeps Me Warm, ring in my ears. I am one of the many LGBTQ individuals who have tried to not be who they are. Who have hidden from their true identity for one reason or another. As I look back at the past two years since I've come out, it is not the difference in my mindset about myself or about other Queer people that surprises me, it is not the warmth and welcoming nature of the LGBTQ Community in my City that inspires me, it is not the hurt and uncertainty in the love of my family that scares me, but it is the realization that I have been ME for my entire life but I am just now fully finding my full self, that I reflect on.

My sisters and I at my sisters wedding.
I am on the far left. 

My personality has not changed, it has just become more full. My appearance has not changed, it has just become more comfortable and familiar. One of the many things that I look back at my own life
and realize how much I tried to not be who I knew I was for a straight up feeling of solid fear, was by the clothes that I wore. With three sisters, all who were very straight and were very fashionable, this athletic, outdoorsy, closeted Lesbian in a small town in Texas was very much aware of how she looked. Even in high school, I remember trying on clothes at a department store thinking, "I can't wear that, people will think I'm a lesbian." Or trying on a pair of pants that I loved, but getting them in a smaller size so that they fit more snug, not wanting people to think that I was a lesbian because my jeans weren't skin tight. Granted, this was the early 2000's and so super tight, low fitting jeans were the thing. So... for this modest, un-admitted lesbian, that was not ideal, but... that was what all my straight friends wore, all my sisters wore and what my Mother bought me so... that is what I wore. I vividly remember being in my room every single day of high school looking at my clothes thinking "I can't wear that to school because people will talk..." I remember being actually scared about wearing slacks to my older sisters wedding rehearsal because I didn't want people to think I was a lesbian. I wore a dress to the event. I wore the same two dresses to every wedding, night out or funeral for years, even into my college years.

The amount of anxiety and tormenting stress and pain that I put on myself everyday for years was immense. Looking back at those years, it kills me knowing that I put myself through so much hurt. Of course, in my case, I am a lesbian and so those assumptions that were or were not made were correct and I could have saved years of internal torment but... I would not allow myself the freedom of being Queer. To me, at that time, the internal debate, fear and anxiety of confining myself to things as simple (at least to what I rationalized as simple) as clothing, was worth it for the sake of my family. But even for the immense love, and passion that I have, or that anyone has towards their family, is not worth the battle and the fighting within. Self-destruction goes nowhere but down, deep and dark.

I thank God everyday that I found the courage to come out to my family. In high school, I would not allow myself to be gay. I believed that for me, there was no other option besides men, so I believed that I must be either asexual, have no sex-drive or that there was something wrong with me. In college, after trying SO hard to be straight, I dated a few guys here and there, grew my hair out long to keep my family off my back (I know loads of lesbians with long hair so there goes that effort) and began to have the thought that I was a lesbian, but I continued to try to be straight. After college, I went on my first date with a woman. Had my first kiss with a woman and instantly I knew, there was not a shadow of a doubt, that "I can't change even if I tried, even if I wanted to..." The years and years and years of torment and hiding and fighting myself, faded away. I knew that there wasn't anything wrong with me, there was nothing wrong with me! I had just been trying to be someone that I was not!

About a year ago, I donated those two dresses. Today, I dress the way I want to dress, I wear my hair the way I want to wear it. I feel safe and secure in my skin. If people want to assume that I'm a lesbian, let them assume, they'll be correct! There is hardly anything as destructive as our own inner demons.

Not all girls who play softball are lesbians, not all women who wear pink and have long hair are straight. These stigmas of what we have created in our society are sick and corrupt. Of course, stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. E wears a carabiner with her keys on her belt and a pocket knife everyday and I wear a lot of sweaters and drive a Subaru. Some things are true... but we can't fall into the grasps of those stereotypes. Just because you are gay or straight, lesbian or bi, don't try to be anything that you are not, don't change who you are, find who you are the most comfortable being, who is true to yourself and be that person. You are you. You are incredible. You are beautiful. You are confident. You are free. You be strong and proud of what you have overcome and where you are going. Set those physical, emotional and spiritual goals and look back at the year and find the silver linings. It's a brand new year my friend. A solid year of chances and opportunities. Find those opportunities to be brave. You will only have that moment once.

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." - Victor Hugo