I have always been this way, just the older I get, the busier I get and the more organized my life has to be. And now that I am in a serious relationship and my schedule has doubled as we both try to be involved and supportive of each other in as much as possible.
I feel like I am a good daughter, sister, Aunt and granddaughter. I work hard to find and make time for my family. I like to think that I show them all love, acceptance and support in everything and that they all know that I am always there for them, in anything and everything. And I like to think they feel the same way about me. But one thing I do know, is that my life; being unmarried with a college degree, no kids, having an apartment on my own, filing for taxes on my own, having close friends and a career that I am passionate about, is something that my family cannot relate too. All three of my sisters were married before they were 23, one was 17. Of course they all have incredible passions, their lives are so full and so beautiful on such a different level than mine. I never, ever want to discredit their lives and their choices and make them all think that mine is somehow greater than theirs, because that simply is not true. We are all on just two different levels, two different plains in life.
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| E and I after one of her art installation pieces |
For nearly five years I willingly lied to my family. I knew that I was a lesbian, but I was so terrified to let them know. That night when I finally told them, even though it was the hardest and most challenging thing of my life, I could literally feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. What I didn't know, was that a brand new form of lying would become at play. More like withholding the truth than lying. When I tell them I am going to Dallas for the weekend instead of going to dinner at my Mothers, there is always a need to justify my actions. There is never the truth such as a "my girlfriend has an art piece that is receiving an award and I am going to support her", there is always "I have already made plans with friends that I can't miss." Things that excite me and make me proud as E and her work, things that I know if I were in a relationship for this long and this seriously with a man and he had achieved this award or were presenting a piece, that there would be questions from my family either what the piece were about or how long did it take to prepare it or even the possibility of them showing up to support him. Because what is important to ones spouse is important to me. I have seen them support and encourage my sisters boyfriends and now husbands. It hurts to not have that interest in my life, solely because the gender of who I care about is not whom they approve.
These are things that I know will take time and I am working on my patience on that, I am working ever so hard. There are many instances where I could point to, where I could give examples of when I had to keep things vague to make sure that I didn't say E's name. (They all know that we are dating and they do know her name) I do this because to them, when I choose her over them, they make me feel like I am choosing sin and distractions over a god-fearing, good influence of a family. The guilt and the pain that comes from them is oftentimes unbearable. When there is an invite to a family dinner with my favorite Aunt who loves and supports me fully, from Colorado (who has met E and adores her!), it kills me because all I want is to invite E to the dinner, but I know I can't. There are so many little things that hurt harder and sting stronger than I ever thought would. Moments when I remember years and years ago when I dated a guy for about two weeks and my parents invited him to join us for a family birthday party to the same restaurant... yet, E and I are moving our own plans so that I can go to this family dinner, without her. Someone who is so incredibly important to me, that is not allowed, is not invited, is not thought of as being a genuine part of my life, simply kills me.
Once again, my life is so different from their in so many ways. I am a 30 year old professional, financially independent woman in the deep South, who lives and thrives in the big city, is a creative and who is also a member of the LGBT community. I will do what I believe I do best, which is carry on. Remain strong and courageous and stay true to myself. I will continue to love people in the way that I was brought up to do, with acceptance, humility and no judgment. I will do what I can to be the better person. To strive to remain humble and to work on being more open and clear on things. If this life isn't mine, than whose is it?
I will carry on loving and supporting my family as well as loving and supporting my girlfriend. I will not go back. I know that what my family say, they say is spoken with love and to "protect" their family... how is this protecting? How does keeping me away from my nieces and nephews, not letting me express and show how happy and fully me I am, forcing me lie openly to the family because they are so scared of what I could be to their way of life. I have no idea what fear they speak of. For if my nieces and nephews were to be introduced to the real world, than I believe, a family member who is sensitive, honest, open, God-fearing and just who happens to be a lesbian would be a perfect way for them to realize that the real world is not a scary place, but a place of love and acceptance. Where you can be true to be yourself, where you let God be the judge and not man, where you have an open mind and an open heart. No matter if I be kept away from my family, I will always do what I can to be an example of love and encouragement to them.
"This above all. To thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare
