A Love Challenged & A Love Won

Thanksgiving Eve 2016. 

My heart was heavy and my mind was going a million miles a minute as I sat next to E on the couch watching Under the Tuscan Sun. I was physically laying beside her, but my mind was miles away. This was E and I's first holiday together, this was not my first holiday away from my family, but it was the first holiday with a girlfriend. My family knew whom I was spending it with, that I had chosen to spend it with the woman that I love (in the lifestyle that they disapprove of) besides them. How could my heart be so full of happiness and love for E, yet at the same time, my heart was crying inside for the family that I was not getting to spend the holiday with?

The biggest fear that I have in regards to my family and their difficulty accepting me and my sexuality is the fear that I will never be able to be open and be fully myself when I am around them. That as I lay there and look at E, and she smiles that crooked smile she does when she notices me looking at her, I can't imagine a life where I cannot bring this passionate, beautiful and vibrant woman to meet the family that I love so dearly. That I cannot sit there next to her at my folks house and laugh and tell stories as the women in love that we are. E turns to me and says "What's going on baby? You are putting major walls up." She knows me, she understands me, she's patient with me, she loves me. As I openly talk to her about the thoughts going on in my mind, tears start running down my cheeks as they do hers. There is no place I'd rather be than in the arms of the woman that loves me unconditionally. 

Thanksgiving Day 2016. 

As I kiss E and get out of bed to make breakfast, the anxiety and fear of what I felt the night before is gone. I click the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade on in the kitchen, and I pull out the ever fabulous Bisquick and whip us up some pancakes. As E gets up and makes the coffee and we start talking about the day, the pizzelles that we made last night, the coffee this morning, Finn the majestic (aka her Great Pyrenees Finnegan), she asks if I'm ok and I genuinely truly are. I text my sisters and my Mom that morning (we are big texters in our family, horrible, I know), we wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and tell each other we love them. Pancakes eaten, pecan pie made and pizzelles decorated, we head off to our first Thanksgiving dinner. 

E has lived in Dallas for nearly 15 years, being an extremely loved and active member of the arts community, she has friends on every corner and honorary family members out the wazoo. You always can learn so much from people by their friends. And E has some of the most incredible, loving and genuine people in her life. Spending the first Thanksgiving dinner at her dearest friends house, their family and a handful of 'misfit' artists, all welcoming, accepting and supportive of not only E and the plans and dreams she has, but of me as well and the dreams I have of writing and traveling, I see what love and support really is. Acceptance, not even acceptance, but just a complete unawareness or even the insignificance that we were two women who loved each other. How incredibly refreshing and inviting that is. We ate for three hours, E was told over and over that "you better not let her go" and I was told "that I'm invited again next year", we hugged everyone and then hand in hand, headed out to her truck to go to another dinner. This one was with a lot of her friends, of which a handful of them I had met before, all of which are accepting and most of them are LGBT themselves. As we sat outside and sort of watched the Cowboys game (E and I are not really football people) on a projector screen on the backyard, I took a deep breath and looked around me. At the incredible people that surrounded me, the kids being raised in loving same-sex homes and how blessed they are. 

I took a deep breath and thought of the Thanksgivings that I've had as a child, and the ones in years past and knew, and knew in my heart that there will be a day, where I can bring the woman that I love home with me to sit around the Thanksgiving table with the family that means the world to me. The terror that hits me when I realize how much I care for E and how much my family does not support me. The fear that takes over me when I start to think of what our life together would look like and the fear that hits me thinking that if I am never allowed to bring her home with me on Thanksgiving in years to come, how I will miss my family over that. How I must live my own life and be the woman that I know God has created me to be, but how terrifying that is thinking that there is the possibility of my family, my Mother, Father, sisters, nieces and nephews not allowing me to be a part of their lives. That we will never be welcome.

But until that day, however many years it may take, I will spend it with people that are accepting and supportive, people that love me for exactly as I am, who encourage me and make me want to encourage others. Where E and I can be ourselves and show little terms of endearment without the fear of being reprimanded for breaking one of the "nonnegotiables" of my family. Love is love. God give me patience and forgiveness, humility and wisdom, especially in this Holiday season. Dear Reader, you are not alone. You are loved. You are brave. You are beautiful. Find those that love you for just as you are. Be grateful and be blessed. 

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear; but of power, love and sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7 

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your god goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6

My First Gay Thanksgiving

The Holidays are here and for the first time in my life, I will be spending Thanksgiving away from my family. Not because I will be abroad or living in a different state like I have in years past, but because I am choosing to spend it with my girlfriend and our friends.

You may be thinking "that's not a big deal", yet you may be thinking "how dare you spend it away from your family!?" or even "why don't you just spend it with them both?". To understand why this is a momentous moment in my life, it is best if you understand my family. I have three sisters, me being the second eldest, my Mother and Father have been happily (for the most part) for nearly 30 years and Thanksgiving is a BIG deal in my family.

I remember growing up spending it with my Dad's parent's farm house and there were so many of us, my Dad has three siblings and they each have at least three kids each so... twenty some-odd kids running around, loads of fried food and Cool Whip bowls filled with various casseroles... but even with us kids running around like mad, we would all be dressed to the nines in our Sunday best. We would zig zag in a figure eight shape around the kitchen and dining table all holding hands, while my Grandad tried to get through a prayer without breaking down and crying. I have many, many beautiful, beautiful years of memories of Thanksgiving. Now, as we have all grown up and have families and lives of our own, we no longer have Thanksgiving with my Dad's parents, but my folks hold an early dinner of their own at their house.

Now... we are not frozen pizza for Thanksgiving dinner kind of people. We are, cook for three days prior, everyone wear beyond their Sunday best, my Mom decorates the dining table with so much beauty and thought that we usually have to move pieces off the table so we can actually find room for our plates. She color coordinates the cloth napkins and the brass or twine napkin rings to the chargers and the fine china and makes sure that there are pumpkins, Indian corn and all natural candles to match. It is a beautiful, perfect display of Thanksgiving. Both sets of grandparents show up as well as my 93 year old Great-Grandmother, all three sisters and their husbands and my now five nieces and nephews.

It is a time to spend with loved ones and those that you are inexpressibly thankful for.

Two years ago, I was currently living in Colorado and was happily in a relationship but my family did not know that we were happily dating. So when I went home for Thanksgiving two years ago, it was much like many years past, where I lied willingly to the people that I loved the most. I sat there in my new blouse that I bought for the occasion and wore my usual khakis and actually put my faded high top black Chuck Taylors aside and wore dress boots... and I lied to my family. They asked if I was dating anyone and I said "no". They asked how things were going and I would reply "everything is great! I love being in Colorado and the new job is going really awesome." It was a lot and I mean, A LOT of short ended, on the surface conversations. I was so happy because I had found a great group of friends (of whom about 85% were gay, but my family didn't know that), I had begun dating someone that I thought I was crazy for (of whom was a woman, and there was no way in hell they would ever know that), so all these things that made me so happy, this life that I loved and this life where I was no longer hiding, where I was free, was a second one. I was living a double identity. How much stress and anxiety could I put on myself without showing it! What if I slipped and said something I shouldn't!?

A year ago, I stood holding hands with my family, around the island in my folks kitchen. No longer dating, no longer 15 hours away in Colorado but... eight months prior I came out to my family. This was the first Thanksgiving with a lesbian daughter (Well, in their minds at least, this was my first). My older sister, her husband and their two kids were there, one of my younger sisters was 8 months pregnant and was there with her husband and their two kids and now, my baby sister was there with her fiance who were getting married that next weekend and me... just me... alone, openly gay to my new friends and coworkers and yet standing there with so much anxiety in my chest that it felt like someone was slowly pushing an anchor on my chest. The constant on the surface conversations with my family. Now they blatantly avoided asking if I had met someone I was interested in (I'm pushing 30 and so for small town Texas, I should already have three kids and a mortgage by now), avoiding too many hugs, me making sure that when I played dress up with my nieces and nephews that the girls wore 'girl' colors and the boys wore 'boy' colors as to not push my 'gay agenda' on them, as a few of my sisters called it. No one said anything, we took the family picture and enjoyed a fabulous dinner and it was a great holiday.

Thanksgiving 2016. I am in love. Not a fleeting, infatuation, but honest, real, exciting, scary love. The happiness that I feel when I am with or even when I'm away from E is so alive that one of my friends said that she can even see it in my eyes. For the first time in my life, there would be nothing happier than to bring the woman that I am in love with, home to meet my family that means the world to me. But... that is not the case. When my folks found out that I was dating someone and that that person is a woman, they gave me a list of "nonnegotiable's" that I could or could not do when I was at their house. One of them was that I could have "no display of homosexuality" in their house. No kissing, I'm sure I could refrain from (sorry E), but not being able to hold her hand while we sat in the living room lazy after dinner watching White Christmas with the family, not being able to pass a gentle touch on her shoulder in passing, so that my Mother might be offended by the action, no calling her my girlfriend... the list goes on and on... but just as my Mother has nonnegotiables, these things to me are nonnegotiable. All I ask is to be treated with the same respect as my sisters in regards to whomever I bring home... but... to my folks, that is nonnegotiable. There is no way that I will put myself in a place where on a day where I should be able to thankful that I found the woman I truly love. I will not put myself in a place where she could feel uncomfortable or threatened, where we will feel judged or anxious or stressed. There is a time where I must stand up and live for myself, to live for E and I, to live in love and acceptance. So, for the first time, I will be spending Thanksgiving not at my families house, but among friends where We are accepted and respected, where We are loved for ourselves and can be open and honest. I love this woman, I am so happy that she came into my life and everyday I think how lucky and blessed I am that we have each other.

On this holiday of thanks, I will give thanks for being me. For finally finding the strength, courage and grace to be able to speak openly to my Mother as to why I would not be joining them this year on Thanksgiving. I give thanks for the woman that I am constantly being amazed by. I give thanks for my health. I give thanks for my job. I give thanks that even though there have been disappointments in 2016, that I find hope and courage in everyday people. I give thanks to my family and I give thanks to the grace that God gives me.

Be strong and courageous. Find people during this time who love and support you. Know you are not, nor will you ever be alone.

"Give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:18