My heart was heavy and my mind was going a million miles a minute as I sat next to E on the couch watching Under the Tuscan Sun. I was physically laying beside her, but my mind was miles away. This was E and I's first holiday together, this was not my first holiday away from my family, but it was the first holiday with a girlfriend. My family knew whom I was spending it with, that I had chosen to spend it with the woman that I love (in the lifestyle that they disapprove of) besides them. How could my heart be so full of happiness and love for E, yet at the same time, my heart was crying inside for the family that I was not getting to spend the holiday with?
The biggest fear that I have in regards to my family and their difficulty accepting me and my sexuality is the fear that I will never be able to be open and be fully myself when I am around them. That as I lay there and look at E, and she smiles that crooked smile she does when she notices me looking at her, I can't imagine a life where I cannot bring this passionate, beautiful and vibrant woman to meet the family that I love so dearly. That I cannot sit there next to her at my folks house and laugh and tell stories as the women in love that we are. E turns to me and says "What's going on baby? You are putting major walls up." She knows me, she understands me, she's patient with me, she loves me. As I openly talk to her about the thoughts going on in my mind, tears start running down my cheeks as they do hers. There is no place I'd rather be than in the arms of the woman that loves me unconditionally.
Thanksgiving Day 2016.
As I kiss E and get out of bed to make breakfast, the anxiety and fear of what I felt the night before is gone. I click the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade on in the kitchen, and I pull out the ever fabulous Bisquick and whip us up some pancakes. As E gets up and makes the coffee and we start talking about the day, the pizzelles that we made last night, the coffee this morning, Finn the majestic (aka her Great Pyrenees Finnegan), she asks if I'm ok and I genuinely truly are. I text my sisters and my Mom that morning (we are big texters in our family, horrible, I know), we wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and tell each other we love them. Pancakes eaten, pecan pie made and pizzelles decorated, we head off to our first Thanksgiving dinner.
E has lived in Dallas for nearly 15 years, being an extremely loved and active member of the arts community, she has friends on every corner and honorary family members out the wazoo. You always can learn so much from people by their friends. And E has some of the most incredible, loving and genuine people in her life. Spending the first Thanksgiving dinner at her dearest friends house, their family and a handful of 'misfit' artists, all welcoming, accepting and supportive of not only E and the plans and dreams she has, but of me as well and the dreams I have of writing and traveling, I see what love and support really is. Acceptance, not even acceptance, but just a complete unawareness or even the insignificance that we were two women who loved each other. How incredibly refreshing and inviting that is. We ate for three hours, E was told over and over that "you better not let her go" and I was told "that I'm invited again next year", we hugged everyone and then hand in hand, headed out to her truck to go to another dinner. This one was with a lot of her friends, of which a handful of them I had met before, all of which are accepting and most of them are LGBT themselves. As we sat outside and sort of watched the Cowboys game (E and I are not really football people) on a projector screen on the backyard, I took a deep breath and looked around me. At the incredible people that surrounded me, the kids being raised in loving same-sex homes and how blessed they are.
I took a deep breath and thought of the Thanksgivings that I've had as a child, and the ones in years past and knew, and knew in my heart that there will be a day, where I can bring the woman that I love home with me to sit around the Thanksgiving table with the family that means the world to me. The terror that hits me when I realize how much I care for E and how much my family does not support me. The fear that takes over me when I start to think of what our life together would look like and the fear that hits me thinking that if I am never allowed to bring her home with me on Thanksgiving in years to come, how I will miss my family over that. How I must live my own life and be the woman that I know God has created me to be, but how terrifying that is thinking that there is the possibility of my family, my Mother, Father, sisters, nieces and nephews not allowing me to be a part of their lives. That we will never be welcome.
But until that day, however many years it may take, I will spend it with people that are accepting and supportive, people that love me for exactly as I am, who encourage me and make me want to encourage others. Where E and I can be ourselves and show little terms of endearment without the fear of being reprimanded for breaking one of the "nonnegotiables" of my family. Love is love. God give me patience and forgiveness, humility and wisdom, especially in this Holiday season. Dear Reader, you are not alone. You are loved. You are brave. You are beautiful. Find those that love you for just as you are. Be grateful and be blessed.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear; but of power, love and sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your god goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6
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