Queer and Fearless

As a lesbian woman who has recently found her voice, this open life of mine still amazes me sometimes. Now, you have to remember that I grew up in a small town in Texas and when I mean small I mean small. With the population sign from the North that said "pop 656" and the sign from the South that read "pop 509", we weren't too sure how small we were, but we knew we were small! And, unfortunately, in a town that size, there were many, many hateful and prejudiced people. Against anyone who looked or thought differently than theirs. Now, in the early 2000's there were NO openly gay people in the entire school district. I didn't even know a single gay person in the entire town. Now, over the past ten years, four people (including myself) in my graduating class of 55 are openly Queer.

What I have come to find is that most hate or fear of LGBT is not vocal, sure, I have been called a "Dyke" and my girlfriend and I have had "Faggots" yelled at us before but, it's not in vocal or even physical hate that is most prominent. It is by looks, glances, these small hurtful gestures that cut harder and make me feel like I am truly unwanted. In small towns (and even in a big city where I live at now) these looks and gestures are very, very strong.

E and I just returned from Seattle a few days ago. Both of our best friends live up there and we wanted a little break before the madness of the Holiday season, plus, this was our first trip together as a couple! (No fights, but a lot of great and incredible conversations! I highly recommend anyone in a new relationship take a trip outside of where you live. Get away from the familiar and you will learn a lot about the other person!) Of course, Seattle is much like one of the progressive and open large cities in this great country of ours, and being gay is a non-issue. Bathroom stalls had signs that said "All-Gender Restrooms", rainbow flags along with the American flag hanging in shop windows throughout the city. We even came upon a rally at one point and the amount of love and passion for this country and the issues that are at stake was very encouraging. Holding hands, being affectionate, being open that we were a couple not only was a non-issue, but I could FEEL the difference in the city. I could feel the acceptance from strangers, I knew that people honestly did not care that we were two women holding hands and being flirty at a romantic restaurant in Pioneer Square. I could feel it in the air, as we walked around the Market that people were even more accepting of us together, that they were more excited that there was a bit of diversity visiting their baklava stall. I could see it as we walked hand in hand along the painted rainbow crosswalks in Capitol Hill... to physically feel acceptance, in not just a pocket of the city, but of the entire city was something so freeing and so physically warm and welcoming that it makes me teary-eyed as I think about it.

As we landed back at the DFW International airport from our five day vacation, that feeling of acceptance was sucked away. E and I walked hand in hand through the airport and the looks began again. We still stayed our cheery and in-love selves, but my mood changed. I could feel it and E could feel it. As we stood at baggage claim, we discussed a few key issues that are currently under way to come across in the Texas Senate next month; one bill forces teachers to out their Queer students to their parents should they know the student is LGBT (40% of homeless youth identify as LGBT), one bill will take away local ordinances that protect LGBT from discrimination (LGBT are not a protected class in the state of Texas) so shop owners, housing, businesses, churches etc can openly and legally discrimination based on someones sexual orientation and gender identity, and the other bill will force transgender people to use public bathrooms that correspond with the sex they were assigned at birth, not the one they identify with. (One of my dearest friends is a trans man and he has told me the horror and massive fear that the bathroom was while he was transitioning and the fear he has with what they are trying to make happen now).

We stood there at baggage claim, discussing these terrifying issues that are stake in the state that we both hold dear so much, her hand lingers a little shorter on my back, I keep my hands crossed across my chest, whether or not we said it out loud, we both felt the prejudices and the judgments of just us, being us.

As we hopped in the Uber that was being driven by a wonderful Mexican-American immigrant, we talked about our trip and he spoke about Mexico and his family here and his family there. He had propped his iPad up on the sun visor of the passenger seat and we watch MSNBC together... there was a white-supremacist rally going on at Texas A&M where the audience was yelling "Hail Trump". We discussed a bit about politics, but it was upsetting and scary for us all so we talked instead about his family and how much he enjoys driving for Lyft and Uber and after years of living in LA, he moved to Dallas and fell in love with the city as well as his wife.

The immediate and very real shock that even though there are strong, proud, passionate, brave, accepting and loving people in this world, there are also many more that are hateful, bigoted, fearful and powerful. Seeing the vivid difference of acceptance versus fear, within a matter of a few hours was eye opening. All I know and all I can count on, is that we must be brave. We must speak out. Not just for ourselves, but for everyone. We cannot just look at one persons opinion or watch one news station to make our opinion, be educated, be humble, love, accept, be strong and courageous.