When I came out to my conservative Protestant family at the age of 27, there were many thoughts that were rushing through my mind... none of which were very encouraging. Of course there is no way where you can really be certain how your family or friends will process or handle it, everyone is different and so all our stories are different, but for me, I knew my family, I knew what they believed, I knew what their church taught and what they taught me and my three sisters. I think that was the hardest part was the realization that in a way, I still hated myself for being gay. I didn't care what the world said, or what my friends thought, but when it came to my family, my family was my world and never in a million lifetimes would I ever want to say anything that would hurt or harm them in any way.
I went to a Christian school until I was in 6th grade and then, along came junior high and I was thrown into the depth and despair of public school. Now, growing up in a small town (roughly 35,000 people) in north central Texas, where the number of churches sometimes reached even three to a city block and the only restaurant we had was called "Suzanna's Home Country Cookin'", you can imagine that there weren't many gay people that I came in contact with. Well, at least none that I knew. The only thing that I knew of the word "homosexual" was that it was evil and a sin and to never talk about it. I vividly remember a time when I was probably around the age of 8, when our honorary sister/live in nanny mentioned to my Mother that she needed to "look out for me because I was going to be a lesbian" and immediately my Mom nervously brushed her off and moved past it like there was nothing about it.
Besides that, I honestly don't think I remember hearing the words "gay" or "lesbian"... ever. This may seem hard to believe, but in the 90's, we didn't have TV shows like "GLEE", "The Fosters" or "Modern Family" any show that not only had a LGBT character in it, but had them as a character that you loved and sympathized. Things have moved incredibly fast over the past few years, and I thank God every day for it.
Having attended a Christian school, up until Junior High, being a leader of Fellowship of Christian Athletes in High School and Campus Crusade for Christ in College, going on countless mission trips across the world and living this "ideal" Christian life, I was the "perfect" kid of our family of six. I mean, two of my sisters were out drinking and sleeping around. I was the mascot of our high school and the Vice President of student council for goodness sake!
Now, I am a bit of a intellectual and I love a good challenge or conversation, and while I was working on my Bachelors at the University of North Texas, I studied Jewish Studies at a state college as I wanted to study more about God, outside of the New Testament theology that I had grown up with. I have always have a longing and a passion to know God more. From the theology and history to it all. I even took a two week trip to Israel with a Messianic Congregation with Moody Bible Institute in Chicago. I tell you what, I was on fire for God! The only thing missing, was a husband.
As I've mentioned, everyone's stories are different and for me, even though it took years for me to actually place what it was that made those moments when I thought there was something wrong with me, or that I was inadequate for my parents or unworthy of God, I know now that it was just a fear of the realization of who I truly am and who it was that God created me to be. A fear, that was instilled into me by the Church. Intentional or not, it was there, it was alive and it was evil. It was evil to the fact that it instilled in me a feeling that I was intentionally living in sin, instilled in me a fear that if I hugged a woman, even a close friend too long that she would jump back, throw her hands up and yell "A Lesbian!!", a fear that I had to constantly lie to the family, to the people that I loved the most, because I was terrified of hurting them. Of hurting them. Not me. I thought about what their friends would think, what the church members and leaders that I had known for so long would think of them, my parents. That they had failed, that they had somehow hurt or abused me. It is absolutely insane to think, that the fear that I was so worried about in how they would react to me, it was the fear in how they themselves would be impacted by my coming out.
I know, because it is spoken of time after time after time in the Bible, that there is nothing greater than Love. I know, that no matter what my family may think, what my family may do, how friends or relatives may react, I know that I am loved by God. Nothing will ever come between his love, grace and grand plan for my life.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them. For the Lord your God goes ever with you, he will never leave you or forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6
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