The Silverlining to the Storm

Two years ago, when I came out to my family, one of my sisters told me that I would have "to choose between her kids or my lifestyle". My Father, who had recently recovered from two strokes, told me that "I just killed him." As I sat on the couch with both my parents weeping beside me, as my parents prayed to cast demons out of me, said they would be moving me back from my then home in Colorado that next day to living with them and that they would send me to a place in Austin that does "conversion therapy". I sat in total shock and fear. I wanted to take everything I had just said back. I wanted to put my sexuality back in the closet. I wanted to pretend like it never happened, but it had happened and I had been living in hiding from them for my entire life.

When I look back, from conversations over the past two years where I heard things from immediate family members that I was "voluntarily damning myself to hell", that they "would always call it a 'choice' because that's what it is", that they would set "nonnegotiables" rules that I had to follow when I was in their home that showed no display of my homosexuality, that "the only thing that would be worse were if I were dead" and other painful, hurtful things that have never been apologized for, and still sting and burn like a hot iron in my mind and my heart, after two years, it looks like just perhaps my bravery and freedom in being myself, has finally opened up to an sliver of light.

As my birthday comes up next week, my girlfriend E and I are going to Colorado for a long weekend away, my coworkers are taking me to a birthday lunch and happy hour and my three sisters... are taking me out to dinner and have invited me to bring E with me. Two years ago, one sister gave me an ultimatum, my identity in being an openly gay woman, or a relationship with her and her gorgeous children, my nieces and nephews that I am absolutely bats about. Two years ago, one sister told me that she would never agree with me, because the Bible says it is wrong and it will always be a choice for me. That word 'choice' weighs heavy on me and is filled with judgment, and a constant state that I am willfully sinning and that whomever says it, knows they are in the right and are above me. Two years ago, one sister told me that I should have kept it to myself, that I should have not told anyone because that I was the sole reason the family would be torn apart. These three sisters, who didn't understand and never gave me a chance, are now, two years later, voluntarily meeting the woman that I am so in love with.

There are always moments in our lives when we truly feel lucky. When we feel blessed and that good fortune and fate are finally in our way. In the depth of darkness, it's hard to look for the silver lining. All you see are heavy, ominous storm clouds that constantly beat you down. There are so many times when I was done, when I wanted to just call it quits entirely with my family and I thank God that I did not. My family will forever be bound to me, whether for better or worse. What I have come to find is that in those dark, dense moments when thunder crashes and the winds are blowing and howling all around you, that you have to keep going, keep breathing, keep believing, because there is a silver lining. There is a sliver of light that will show just as the storm is about to break and believe me, that storm will break. Perhaps that storm might return and might be just as strong as before or come back with a vengeance, but one thing I know for certain, is just like before, that storm will break. There will come a time where you can breathe freely and stand strong in the sun. Be thankful for every moment my friends. Be proud of who you are. Do not waste another moment hiding who you are, because another moment wasted, is a moment lost. Be strong and courageous my friends.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6