By the Grace of God, I am what I am

When I came out to my close friends at the age of 25, and my family at the age of 27, I look back now, and try to figure out my story. I look back and try to figure out just when it was when I knew I was a lesbian. Growing up in a time (the 1990's), in a city (Small town Texas - pop. 30,000 and later to a city where the pop was 656), in a family (staunch Baptist), where words like "same-sex marriage", "homosexuality", "gay" and "lesbian", not only were evil words, but were words that were never even spoken. They weren't addressed, they weren't said, they weren't discussed, unless the Pastor was speaking of Sodom and Gomorrah. But even then, it was only the word "homosexuality" and was only spoken of once in the service. Like it was a dirty and vile word that created pain for the one who said it and those that heard it. 

The first time I heard the word "lesbian" was when I was around 8 years old. My god-sisters Mother, who was about 19 at the time, told my Mother to watch me "as she is a lesbian." She did not say it in a condemning way, nor was even meant to be heard by me I believe, but the thing I remember the most was the immediate reaction that my Mother snapped at her. She told her to never say that word again and that she should never say something like that again. That was the first time that I ever heard of the word Lesbian. I had no idea what it meant, but I knew that it was a bad, horrible thing, whatever it was. 

When I was in high school, there were no openly gay kids at my school. It was the early 2000's, but shows like 'Glee' and 'The Fosters' weren't around then. Homosexuality was still something that was taboo, especially in a small town out in rural Texas. I dated a few guys here and there, nothing serious and never anything physical. I found that I never really had any interest to date and I just never really thought of it. After high school I went to Colorado State University. I was quiet, shy, had no idea where to make friends. I wasn't a partyier, but was a theater nerd that loved the outdoors. I went to a Campus Crusade for Christ mixer, because anything Bible was all I knew, the only reason that I went to a church while I was at CSU was the hopes of making friends and meeting a guy to marry. I mean, that's the only reason a woman should go to college is to meet her future husband. (Sarcasm on my part, but I've heard this time and time again by family members.) I made one friend there, W, I thank her all the time for letting me follow her around like Velcro for the next two years. Her friends were my friends, I would go to Thanksgiving with her to her family. Would go to birthday parties and anniversaries. We had so many similar interests. Both country kids with big families, both worked part time jobs and loved snowboarding. We enjoyed the same music, the same food, but unlike me, she was super outgoing and could make more friends than you could shake a stick at! 

Me in NY in 2006

It was in college when I began to see that I was a bit different than the friends I had made. They would flirt with guys (flirting? what is this madness?), would go on dates, talk about them all the time and it seemed like everything came so naturally to them. There were a lot of really incredible, godly and remarkable men that I interacted with on a daily basis, so I know that it was not because of a lack of possible prospects that nothing ever hit off. I just literally had no interest in trying to be anything more than friends with guys. There weren't any red flags that went off in my head saying "CJ, the reason you don't have interest in men is because you're a lesbian!" there weren't any openly gay people that I had met or associated with, that I knew of, there wasn't any discussion on the possibility that you could be gay and Christian, the conversations just weren't there. I think the reason I didn't talk or think about it, was because to me, I knew that it wasn't an option. 

There was one guy while I was at CSU that I did date, for about a month I think. I remember how excited and thrilled my Mother was when I told her. She wanted pictures, wanted to know all about him, about his family, what he was studying etc. The truth was, he was just a good looking guy that I had met in Crusade who seemed to like me. I wasn't attracted to him and I think the main reason I dated him was because I was lonely and I wanted to get family off my back about not dating. My older sister had gotten married as well as one of my younger sisters and so, the pressure for me to find a husband was heavy on me. This sounds so 1950's, but being one of four girls in a small town in the South, to this day, that is still the expectation and the mindset. That relationship went short and there were loads of reasons why I never got 100% intimate with him. A general lack of attraction and the thought of 'it' just grossed me out. I had to work very hard to make myself attracted to any of the guys that I had ever kissed or tried to be intimate with. That was the only person that I dated through all four years in college. My friend W's cousin and I really got a long and we hung out a lot, and once a few pictures of us together ended up on Myspace (yes, I was in college before Facebook came around), my Mom just assumed we were dating and went with it. It was here in College that I began to journal extensively.

My Junior year I ended up back in Texas at University of North Texas due to financial reasons and because I felt like I needed to be back closer to my family as there were family issues going on. It was when I moved to UNT when I began to think that the reason that I was not interested in men was because I was asexual. I must not have a sex drive at all to not be attracted to men. Once again, there was no other options available. Looking back now at some of the entries in my journal, I realized how much emotional pain I was in and how much torment I was putting myself in due to me not even thinking that I could be with women. I would rather be in a self-destructive mode to protect my family and friends than accept what I was so afraid of. 

I used to avoid touching people, specifically women, because I

didn't want them to think I was hitting on them. When I'd go to a friends house, I'd sit on a bar stool or on the recliner to avoid the chance of friends that were girls sitting beside me, afraid that if our legs touched that they would look at me and know I was a lesbian. I intentionally didn't hug people, hold hands, pat people on the back or do any other form of physical contact because I was so afraid that people would assume that I was flirting with them. This was before I even allowed myself the option of being a lesbian. I just thought that either everyone thinks this way, or that there was something wrong with me. I avoided discussions about dating or who I was or wasn't interested in. Being in my early 20's, a college graduate and still single was something that my family could not understand. I moved to London, England for two years and it was there, away from my family, from the judging eyes of Southern USA, when I began to even give it the option that maybe there was another option. I still did not date while I was in London, nor did I talk to anyone about my feelings, but I began to allow myself the freedom to relax around women, to be more open and more myself. I think it was here, in 2011/2012 when I wrote in my journal that perhaps I was gay. I didn't push it or go any further, but when I moved back to Texas after two incredible years in London, the realization of my sexuality hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I joined Match.com and had two profiles. One was that I was interested in Men and the other where I was interested in Women. I was back in Texas and the DFW area was like a beacon of light. After many months, I had two dates two weeks apart, the first was with a guy and the other with a gal. A few days before I were to meet the man, I canceled. I cancelled because I literally had zero interest to meet him. I was not excited or nervous or anything, just knew that I didn't want it to go anywhere and so I didn't even get it to start. Then, in the fall of 2012, I went on my first date with a woman. We met a cafe/restaurant in Ft. Worth and I had never been more nervous and excited in my entire life. We sat and talked for five hours and I don't think I had ever been on a more wonderful date in my life. It was so natural, so easy. Unlike any other dates that I have ever been on. When we got to my car, we kissed. That was my first kiss with a woman and the feelings that were so drastic and so overpowering were incredible. One simple kiss was like a lightning bolt, it was like a light switch had clicked on, like all the blanks that I had in my life had been filled in. I knew, in that instant, that the years and years of torment and questioning were true. That I could be attracted to someone, easily and naturally, it's just that that person, happened to be a woman. It was time, for the first time in my life that I admitted to myself, I was a lesbian. 

I don't remember the drive back to my duplex, that 45 minute drive was all a blur. What I do remember was getting back to my flat and pacing in my bedroom. I wrote in my journal and started to cry. I had to tell someone. I called my dear friend J, an old friend from high school who had come out to me about three years prior and was living with his now husband in Cali. I vividly remember the amount of tears that streamed down my face when I told him that I had just gone a date with a women and that we had kissed and that I was a lesbian. I vividly remember what felt like a physical weight was lifted off my shoulders as I told him. I vividly remember the total feeling of Freedom as I paced in my room, crying and laughing constantly telling him "these are happy tears". He was not surprised in the least bit. Haha. Then I called my oldest friend G. As I continued to cry happy tears and laugh, he said he was so proud of me and has known it for the past twenty years! I then called my friend L, in Atlanta and told her, she just laughed and said "I knew it! I knew it!".

Those few people, some of my dearest and closest friends, who were all so proud and so happy for me, who were all there with support and encouragement and talked to me and listened to me for over two years and I struggled with how to tell my family. Those three friends made a lifetime of confusion, self doubt, fear, feelings of seclusion and self loathing, blow away in an instant.

Looking back now, I know that if I had had one positive experience with what being gay actually was, if there were films or TV shows or conversations at school or church, if my folks had spoken about that some people are attracted to people of their same sex, that there were songs that said it's ok to be who you are to be how you were born... what a different life and different experiences I could have had. I thank God everyday now that the LGBTQ community is out there and in the mainstream media and has a presence on TV, in Films and in songs. That people are celebrating diversity and highlighting inclusion. I of course fear with how things will turn out in my state as there are countless anti-LGBTQ bills trying to be passed as well as the next four years for our country, but I am focusing on where we've come as a nation and as a people. 

There are many, many more stories and moments in my life that constantly confirm without a doubt in my mind that I am a lesbian, but more than the experiences, it is the feelings that my heart, mind and body feel that do not lie. I am no longer ashamed or afraid to identify as I once was. Perhaps one day my family will be as excited and happy about my girlfriend that I adore, that they were about the guys that I unhappily dated for their sake. But no matter what, I know who I am and I am proud of who I am and I will not go back into the closet for the sake of anyone. 

1 Corinthians 15:10a "But by the grace of God I am what I am..."

A song from the fabulous Gaga: Born This Way