My 'Out'iversary Easter

Easter in the Park

Easter Sunday 2015. I told my parents that I was a lesbian. 

Easter Sunday 2016. I went alone to my parents house and remained silent the entire time. 

Easter Sunday 2017. I went to Easter in the Park in Dallas with my girlfriend. 

This past Sunday, I spent an absolutely wonderful and stress free Easter with my girlfriend E and our
friends. That evening, I laid in bed next to E and cried myself to sleep. It's hard to be both overwhelmingly happy with E and at the same time, be in so much pain by my family. 

I went down to my parent's house the Saturday before Easter as I knew I would not be there on Easter Sunday. My sister from Oklahoma and her family were coming down. My older sister is my biggest ally and I adore her and her wonderful, beautiful two sons and her husband. As I received a welcome hug from my father when I arrived, he quickly went to the backyard, leaving me in the front yard with my nephews. I went inside and had to search out my Mom. Giving her a hug, I asked how her back was and she gave me an off the cuff, vague answer. I tried to talk to her about the house and how the roses were looking beautiful this year, how I loved the new kids John Deer electronic car outside, how beautiful of a day it was, how excited I was about my promotion at my job... all these conversations I initiated, all in a matter of minutes. My Mother was not able to carry on a conversation with me. Her depression, her medication abuse, her anger at me, whatever it was, she was unable to focus or unwilling to have a conversation. My Father was nowhere to be seen.

I honestly can't remember how I passed the first few hours. Playing outside with my nephews on the swing set, drinking a beer with my older sister on the front patio talking about E and I and worried about my Mom, walking out in the pasture to pet the horses, all the while, my Mom was inside the house, taking a nap, my father, I'm assuming was still on the back porch somewhere. He made sure he kept his distance. 

My brother-in-law and his eldest son, who is at the fabulous age of four, decided to go fishing. They started loading up the four wheeler and I took my nephew in the house to help his Mom put his boots on. I asked my Father if he wanted to go fishing with us... I honestly cannot remember what his answer was, all I know was that he didn't look at me once and that his answer was negative. What grandfather won't go fishing with his four year old grandson? Seven bass between the three of us and an hour later, we were back at the house. My brother-in-law and I sat in the four-wheeler and talked about life. He asked about E and I and if we had talked about moving in. I said we had and he said that whenever we decided to do that, that he would help me move. 

My older sister and I were in the garage talking about Mom and how concerned we were for her. My Father walked out there to put something in the overflow freezer in there and he said it looked like we were having a serious conversation. My older sister said "We are concerned about Mom". This was the first time that any of us have confronted my Father about my mothers emotional and medical state. This was the first time that we have told him that we see it and we are concerned about our mother. His two eldest children were confronting him and were offering him a chance to join in on what we could do as a family to help. His reply "Love. Just love her. Love. Love." he never stopped but was in constant movement past us. The last "Love" faded as he closed the garage door behind him. As my sister and I stood there, a bit shocked and a bit insulted. All my sisters and I do nothing but love our Mother. We always have and always will. I also couldn't help but think "what a hypocrite". As I had spent my entire Saturday being looked over and ignored by this man, the anger welled up in me.  

As we sat outside on the back porch, eating pork hot dogs (My family is very well aware, that I gave up pork nearly eight years ago). I sat in silence across from my older sister as my parents sat to my right, an empty seat between my Father and I. My Mother sat there, pain in her eyes. I don't know if it was pain from her back, or emotional pain, but I could see it as she tried to smile. I hurriedly ate and then went into the kitchen to clean up the dinner prep. My older sister joined me and we talked about an upcoming concert her and her husband were going too in Oklahoma City. Once again, my parents were nowhere to be seen. I went to search out my Mom, she was laying on her bed with the windows closed and the door shut. I told her I loved her and the I was going to leave. She said she loved me too. My father and brother-in-law were sitting on the front porch laughing and talking as my nephews played with a massive purple ball in the front yard with the dog. I told them I was leaving and my brother-in-law stood up and gave me a big bear hug and said he loved me and that he was looking forward to me coming up to visit them in a few weeks. My Father stood, gave me a light hug and said he loved me. 

I walked through the quiet house and out to the garage. As I got to my car, I turned the ignition on and drove down the long driveway out to the country road. The house that was once so full of light and happiness now has a tense air and darkness around it. The horses look up at me as I drive past them, chewing on the spring grass and flicking their ears at the flies in the sun. 

"hear me out that would be enough... forgiveness. Can you imagine? Forgiveness." A song from the musical Hamilton plays on my speakers. I roll the windows down and take a deep breath. 

Easter Sunday 2017. I wake up with E's arms wrapped around me. "Happy anniversary" she whispers in my ear. Two years to the day I came out to my parents. She gets up and makes coffee, I hear her movements around the house, the lazy Great Pyrenees at the foot of the bed lifts his heavy head and looks into the kitchen and then drops it back on the bed. She brings me coffee in bed and we sit there together talking about the events of the day. My heart is light and I can't help but smile. I am what I am, for better or worse. I will not live the lie I tried to hide for too long from my parents. Their lives are not mine and I have to move on. I must carry on. I must live my life for me and not try to live it for them. The pain I feel because of their looks, their silence, their lack of interest in me, their fear of me and the dread they think I am living in, I do not have control over that and I cannot allow that to have the stronghold over my life. I am so blissfully happy. I am so in love and I am so genuinely me. Just continue to be strong and courageous CJ. Carry on.