No One to Blame

It has been nearly two years since I have come out to my family, five years since I have come out to my closest friends and nearly ten years since I have come out to myself. The conversations, or lack of, that I have had with my family about my sexuality is probably one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with.

When I came out, there was a lot of blaming, not me, no one blamed me, but my parents blamed themselves. My Dad blamed himself for failing as a father (which is nonsense in so many ways!) and not being a good example of what a husband should be. He also prayed to cast out demons and that Satan would leave me. My mother, never really said much, she sat beside me and cried. Only later did she ask if I had been molested or raped, of which I have not. I am sure that to this day she does not believe me. Finding a reason, finding a cause is easier than believing that someone you love so much is also something you abhor so much. Your daughter who you taught to love and show grace, turns out to be attracted of someone of the same sex as her. When it comes down to it, there is a longing for someone or something to blame for my homosexuality in my family. To my folks, it simply is not something you are born with. It a decision, a choice and if I choose to live with a same sex attraction, then it must be that I have voluntarily chosen to live a life of sin. 

One of the most difficult things for me when it comes to my parents disgust and disapproval of me being a Lesbian, is the general lack of asking me questions. It is so hard for me to talk to them, especially my Dad, as he always turns it back around to religion, he always turns it back to him messing up somehow as a father. All I want to tell him is "Dad, you did not do anything to make me this way. This is who I am. I have always been gay, I just never had the courage to tell you. The reason that I did two years ago, was because I wanted to stop hiding and stop lying to you. I am happy, I am loved, I am free and fully myself. I still love God and I still love the Word. Whom I love has nothing to do with you and Mom. This is me. I will not change, because I physically can't change. Believe me, I tried! Love me for me. Be happy that I am happy. Don't blame yourself for something you had no control over!" I hope that one day I will find the courage to say these words, that I will be able to confront him with grace and clarity and that he will listen with an open heart. I am still his daughter, I am still the outgoing, camping daughter that he knew as a child. It is seeing me in a totally different light, that I am someone so unknown and so unfamiliar to them that kills me. Whenever I tell them that I am happy and doing well, they don't believe me. When they ask how I am and I say that E and I have a trip planned to Colorado for my birthday that I am very excited for, they don't respond but change the topic. When I try to have actual conversations about who I really am, when I finally get brave enough to talk about my life and my real life, they shy away... now, topics about my life are just avoided entirely. We stick to topics of work, my cat and my sisters. 

My sisters and I...
I'm in the glassses

My three sisters have each made progress in "coming to terms" with me being a Lesbian. Some faster than others, but they have all come to see that it is still me. That I am still the incredible sister and the awesomest (spell check doesn't like that word) Aunt that there ever was! That I still love them in the same way and that we have actually become more open with each other over the past year as conversations have been had between us, not many mind you, but some have been had and our relationships have grown so much stronger. My parents on the other hand... mine and my Mothers have grown more awkward and uncomfortable, like walking on egg shells and mine and my Fathers relationship has become nearly non-existent. 

It is a constant challenge that I face, and I know a lot of LGBTQ individuals likewise face, is in which direction they should take their relationship with their family. Should I show tough love and say "either accept me or I'm done with you!"? Should I show grace and let them insult me and not accept me in my entirety, yet still try to have a relationship with them? (This is what I am doing now and after two years... I think it's about time I try another approach). Should I just give them total space, no contact for a month, six months, a year or maybe more until they realize that they'll have to choose between a relationship with me or their own pride? I wish I knew the answer to these questions. I wish I could give advice into every Queer individual and tell them and myself, exactly what they need to do and say to their family and friends so that they can be accepted and loved by being themselves. Unfortunately, this is not the way that life works, this is not the way any matter works. Time is a bitter sweet reality. 

There is no one and nothing to blame for you being who you are reader. Whether that be gay, lesbian, straight, bi, trans, asexual or any other sexual identity. You are you. You were born the way you are. Be proud of who you are, even if no one will understand or listen. Know that no one can tell you the way you are handling your own coming out is the correct or the incorrect way. You know you best, so listen to your heart and your mind. Do what feels right and what your heart and soul are leading you too. Pray and reflect. Be humble and ask for advice. Be strong and courageous. You are never alone. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7