Only a few more days until Christmas. Only a few more days of anxiety and anticipation. Another year of conversations kept on the surface, of awkward small circles and venting opinions. Another year with the family.
I know that I am not the only LGBTQ person out there who is familiar with these moments and even though I will be apart from the woman that I love this year for the sake of my family (2017, you will be a different story!), I am blessed that I am still allowed into the home with the family that I love. My folks have not cast me out of their lives, even though they have given me a list of dos and don'ts, "nonnegotiables" as my Mother calls them to shield them from my "Same-sex attraction lifestyle", I do get to go home. Whether this is a healthy choice for me or not... I guess I'll know in a few days. The home that I spent many great years and also many hard and challenging years, I will be there. I get to see all my sisters and my five unbelievable nieces and nephews, my grandparents will be there as well as my great-grandmother. I know, believe and understand that I am blessed.
Last year I lay on the inflatable mattress in the apartment/storage room above the garage, crying myself to sleep on Christmas Eve, never feeling more alone in my life. This Christmas Eve, I will be laying on the inflatable mattress in the apartment/storage room above the garage, talking to my girlfriend E on the phone, texting friends that love and support me and being able to go to sleep in peace, knowing that I am loved by many just the way that I am. That I have friends and a few family members that have not given me "nonnegotiables" to live. That I am welcome into their home, holding the hand of the woman that I am crazy about, being invited to join them at their own dinner table. Sure this year is not ideal. I had to change plans last minute because I was overlooked in the planning by my Mother and will not be spending Christmas Day with E as we had planned, but I will get to see her. We will have our own Christmas together on the 26th. A date it just a date. It's the holiday, the spirit, the season that counts.
To you reader, friend, that may not have a place, a family to go to this year, do know you are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I send you positive and loving vibes that go over any distance. It is extremely difficult to be alone over Christmas, I have been there, I have experienced it. Even when I'm surrounded by people that I love, there are oftentimes where I feel so incredibly alone. But one thing that I have come to constantly remind myself, is that this is temporary. This situation, this feeling, this holiday, is a passing thing. Be strong and courageous friend.
Know you are loved, even though you may not feel it. Know you are special and beautiful just the way you are. Know that someone is thinking about you this Christmas season. Know that I will say a prayer just for you on Christmas Eve. I will cry for you that are not accepted by your family, I will smile with you who are making memories with a family that does accept. If you have not come out to your loved ones, if this is another Christmas of hiding who you are, be strong and courageous, be humble and full of love, be PROUD of yourself for being yourself and know that a brand new year is ahead of you and a new day is waiting for you. Remember you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. For those who are like me and are in relationships with people our families cannot accept, be CONFIDENT in yourself, be strong and courageous and remember you are YOU, you are brave and beautiful and your love has just as much validity and truth as anyone else's. For those whose families have accepted them with open arms from the start and for those who took years and years of struggling and praying, but are now able to attend Christmas with your loved one and your family, you are amazing and strong and beautiful. Be HUMBLE in your speech and never forget where you've come from and who you are.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Holidays my dear friends. You are not, nor are you ever alone!
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
“Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
“I will not leave you or forsake you.” Joshua 1:5
“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
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